I've actually had a couple of decent runs the last couple of days. Yesterday I did a 5-miler on the treadmill and did really good. I even took off for a little "run" for about 4 minutes or so toward the end. Good thing is - I didn't die! lol The true test though is the next day. If I am more out-of-breath and tired the next day I know I did too much. Well up until a little while ago I've had a really good day. I even got in a couple miles outside early this afternoon. Then I totally stressed out over some other things and the bottom fell out!
I wish I could just pretend that I"m not having to deal with all this congestive heart failure stuff. I don't want to take medicine to live and I want to eat comfort foods when I want them! I'm tired. It seems like running looks just like the rest of my life - I work my butt off and never get anywhere. I want to just throw it all to the wind and go for a real run without worrying about getting dizzy, how high my heart rate goes up, and about passing out along the way. I'm just tired of dealing with it all on top of everything else. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to plan a 9 or 10-miler and lace up my shoes and hit the road. I want to look at fall full marathons and get excited about the training rather than having all the questions about how my heart is going to hold up and if it's going to be too much stress on my body or not. I don't have to be the best I just want to be....
I want to pretend I don't have CHF, hypertension, and water weight. I want to pretend my son doesn't have a brain injury too. Can I pretend I have a real job and can afford to do the races I want. I want to pretend that I have the money to travel and see the world and run races all around. Can I pretend that I don't feel winded just from getting up from my chair and going to the kitchen for a bottle of water?
But pretend is not real. There's a lot on my plate and it's not just my own health issues. I can't even begin to pretend I'm equipped to deal with it at all. I'm tired and I'm cranky; but the truth is I just have to suck it up one more time and put one foot in front of the other. For now, I have to quit thinking about where I am today and concentrate on where I want to be tomorrow. That means I have to do the tough runs right along with the great ones. I have to slow down some days and take off other days and run the days I can. I have to take these stupid pills every single day and watch everything that goes into my mouth. Period. There really isn't any other way to deal with this condition except to do it right. And that's not easy for me - even in a pretend world! lol
As frustrated as I am with life right now I am resolved to make it. I'm concentrating on making it through the best I can. It may look ugly - but that's when you find out who your real friends are for sure. I'm actually feeling pretty good today and have quite a bit of energy which is really good after pushing it harder yesterday. I will learn my limits and I will figure out when, where and how to train and how to push my body properly without causing it more harm. It's not even CHF that's eating my lunch today it's all these other things that life throws at me. It's just that the CHF thing is on top of a whole lot of other things and I'm tired.
Tonight I will just do what my friend's hoodie says: Suck it up buttercup! And get through this evening so I can see what tomorrow brings - maybe it will be better - maybe it will be worse. Maybe I won't wake up tonight in the middle of the night all out of breath and feeling my heart beat out of my chest. That would be a nice treat! But if I do - I will still face tomorrow with resolve. I'm going to do this thing right - I will not lose it and blow it with "comfort foods" tonight. I'll fight off the cravings and be ahead instead of behind when I wake up tomorrow.....repeat 10 times. lol
Thanks for listening to my self pep-talk!
I wish I could just pretend that I"m not having to deal with all this congestive heart failure stuff. I don't want to take medicine to live and I want to eat comfort foods when I want them! I'm tired. It seems like running looks just like the rest of my life - I work my butt off and never get anywhere. I want to just throw it all to the wind and go for a real run without worrying about getting dizzy, how high my heart rate goes up, and about passing out along the way. I'm just tired of dealing with it all on top of everything else. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to plan a 9 or 10-miler and lace up my shoes and hit the road. I want to look at fall full marathons and get excited about the training rather than having all the questions about how my heart is going to hold up and if it's going to be too much stress on my body or not. I don't have to be the best I just want to be....
I want to pretend I don't have CHF, hypertension, and water weight. I want to pretend my son doesn't have a brain injury too. Can I pretend I have a real job and can afford to do the races I want. I want to pretend that I have the money to travel and see the world and run races all around. Can I pretend that I don't feel winded just from getting up from my chair and going to the kitchen for a bottle of water?
But pretend is not real. There's a lot on my plate and it's not just my own health issues. I can't even begin to pretend I'm equipped to deal with it at all. I'm tired and I'm cranky; but the truth is I just have to suck it up one more time and put one foot in front of the other. For now, I have to quit thinking about where I am today and concentrate on where I want to be tomorrow. That means I have to do the tough runs right along with the great ones. I have to slow down some days and take off other days and run the days I can. I have to take these stupid pills every single day and watch everything that goes into my mouth. Period. There really isn't any other way to deal with this condition except to do it right. And that's not easy for me - even in a pretend world! lol
As frustrated as I am with life right now I am resolved to make it. I'm concentrating on making it through the best I can. It may look ugly - but that's when you find out who your real friends are for sure. I'm actually feeling pretty good today and have quite a bit of energy which is really good after pushing it harder yesterday. I will learn my limits and I will figure out when, where and how to train and how to push my body properly without causing it more harm. It's not even CHF that's eating my lunch today it's all these other things that life throws at me. It's just that the CHF thing is on top of a whole lot of other things and I'm tired.
Tonight I will just do what my friend's hoodie says: Suck it up buttercup! And get through this evening so I can see what tomorrow brings - maybe it will be better - maybe it will be worse. Maybe I won't wake up tonight in the middle of the night all out of breath and feeling my heart beat out of my chest. That would be a nice treat! But if I do - I will still face tomorrow with resolve. I'm going to do this thing right - I will not lose it and blow it with "comfort foods" tonight. I'll fight off the cravings and be ahead instead of behind when I wake up tomorrow.....repeat 10 times. lol
Thanks for listening to my self pep-talk!
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