Saturday, October 24, 2015

Ready! Set! Reset!

They told me I HAD to wear a gown so I did. As you can see I spent a few days in the hospital this week. I really don't want to go through that again...ever.

I had all the classic CHF symptoms.I was having lots of trouble trying to catch my breath if I got up and around at all. Extreme fatigue had set in and then I started having chest pains. They weren't bad - just annoying. They were enough to wake me up at night - I'll have to admit a little bit scary.

And the worst part is I just kept trying to run. I wanted to keep up with my schedule and plan. I kept thinking I'd feel better. Boy am I paying now.

I went in with chest pains but because of my past and my failed stress tests they wouldn't let me go even though my cardiac enzymes were okay. I ended up having a couple more tests on my heart. Actually, my heart is not in real bad shape in spite of my stupidity and stubbornness. So I dodged the bullet on this one. My cardiologist wanted to be sure I hadn't damaged anything. I didn't.

So he has allowed me to run but I have to go "slower" he said. He really doesn't understand running or me I think. He didn't give me specifics. He told me no long races until after I see him again in a couple months. Not too thrilled about that either. I also have to get back on my blood pressure meds. If you remember I ditched those a few months back. My heart rate and pressure are "all over the place" he said and he wants them to "settle down." ha - I was in the hospital that's not a fair assessment! lol

So the good thing is I'm still in the game. The bad thing is I gotta start all over. This is humbling to me. But I really can't take a chance of overdoing it again. I'm starting with just walking this week and I'll see how it goes. I'm still "okayed" for at least half marathons right now. But I must say I was really worried he was going to tell me no more running. And honestly, it would have been fair. So on that hand I'm thankful.

ON the other hand it's time for me to come totally clean and reassess everything as I move forward. This week is all walking. (sigh) Not an easy place to be - stressed out and I can't use my main tool for dealing with it. Well, that's my own fault. I have to somehow find a way to accept where I am so I can get where I want. This week, I'll be reassessing my goals. I have to put my health up front.

I have to start being honest with myself about how I feel and how to manage running inside certain boundaries. This week I have to find some ways to entertain myself so that I don't go stir crazy. Tonight I played a full game of football... on the Wii! lol That's my competition for today....

So here I am starting over -again. My biggest challenge? Keeping my attitude straight. Seriously. I'm frustrated, upset, a tiny bit scared....but mostly - I'm determined. I just don't have the makeup to quit. That can actually be a bad thing! lol - Now this is the real test - I can't quit - but can I start over? Do I have the character to submit to wise counsel my friends have given me and just reset? I hope so - we'll see.

So here we go - now we get to see what I'm really made of.

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