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My Brain is my Greatest Foe

Okay so I tested up a belt in taekwondo over the weekend but it brought some emotions with it that caught me off guard. I actually bottomed out after I got home. Of course I was nervous about testing, but I've been told that just shows you care. I did okay and got the new belt....but I got really depressed afterwards. Why? I don't guess I know.

 The blue belt is the lowest rank of the advanced belts and just one step closer to a black belt. But for some reason instead of encouraging me - I found the opposite to be true. I began to doubt I could get a black belt. Honestly, I just bottomed out. I still have a long ways to go and many things to learn so I have no idea what was eating at me so.

I really just felt defeated; with no justification for it. I also keep stalling out on my marathon training but mentally I'm still pursuing it. I know it's going to take longer than it does for most but I am determined to do it right this time. I really think I tried to cram a few longer runs in too close to my first marathon. In October I have a half marathon on my schedule. I also have a few 10Ks, a 12K and a few 5Ks to take me to the year's end. Once I finish this half in October (and more if I can find them local) then I want to continue to increase my miles. That's my focus for now is to get ready for the half; then continue to build on that. I want to do a full either in February at the Cowtown or for the OKC Memorial next spring.

Another thing I am itching to do is a Spartan obstacle race. I know, I know. I have thousands (not much of an exaggeration) of questions that start running through my head like:

  • you do know you are 55, right?
  • you do have some health issues you have to deal with
  • you can't afford an injury
  • you don't have time for training, now do you?
This huge mental battle ensues. Taekwondo, running and Spartan training? Am I crazy? Probably.

So this morning I started. I can't start anywhere other than where I am, now can I? So I took this 55 year old body into my home gym and I did a very light WOD. 30 minutes later I'm ready to kick butt! lol.... I feel fine I am refocused and ready to go. It may take me longer to get there than it does for others - but the tougher the battle - the sweeter the victory!

As far as the CHF diagnosis I am feeling very good. I have learned to listen to my body - and it's a daily thing. It's also a challenge to know how to push just enough without overdoing it. That is a process of learning that I'm doing a little better at. My blood pressure has been really good when I've taken it and I'm actually not retaining the water I was. My little secret is that I am doing an experiment this week. Since my ankles are not swollen at all - I am trying to go without my diuretic. I'm strictly adhering to my low sodium diet with no cheats.... just gonna try it - if I start to swell back up I'll take the stupid pill. I hate taking meds.

Overall I think things are going well. I feel so much better overall - just have to fight through the mental stuff. But I'm still headed in the right direction- and plan on getting there no matter how long it takes. Until then....every step's a victory.
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